


We can never go back

by RoseFoxFire



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Peggy!Loki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 15:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4612602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseFoxFire/pseuds/RoseFoxFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over 90 years ago Loki requested a favor from an old friend. Now Loki wakes up to the consequences of that favor, both good and bad and discovers himself to be considered an enemy by both his brother and the man he once loved dearly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We can never go back

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first long written work and has turned out to be much longer than what I was expecting and I am only about a third of the way through it. This has not been beta read or edited, so if there are any problems please let me know.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it!

Peggy smoothed the covers of her bed as she shifted into a more comfortable position, propped up by her pillows watching as the nurse fussed at the window.

She had lived a good long life. A life of doing a job she enjoyed, falling in love, and having children who she adored with her whole heart. Oh, there were still things in her life that she regretted, however it did not take away from the good in her life or the good that she had done. She just wished desperately that she could keep the facts of her life straight now.

“All set for tonight, Peggy?” Nurse Helen asked as she drew the curtains closed. She was a cheerful and perky woman in a way that reminded Peggy of Angie, making Nurse Helen one of Peggy’s favorite nurses at the nursing home.

“Thank you Helen, I’m fine.” Peggy smiled. “Have a goodnight.”

Nurse Helen returned Peggy’s smile with a quirky grin, “Night Peggy.” She said as she turned and walked out of the room closing the door behind her, leaving it partially open.

The nursing home was a comfortable place, Peggy couldn’t complain. She just couldn’t always remember where she was and what she was doing there. Many days she couldn’t even remember many of the people that she knew. New people would show up only to leave with disappointment shadowing their eyes after having insisted that they were someone that she had known and _didn’t she remember that time when . . ._ but she did not remember.

So while her life had been a good one, she just wished that her ending could have been better.

She wondered if it was going to be another evening of disappointment when a young blonde woman slipped in through the cracked door and sat in the chair at Peggy’s bedside. Peggy hoped not, she was tired of letting people down.

The woman was tall and dressed casually in jeans and a light blue sweater. In her hands was a green pendent on the end of a necklace, which was wrapped around the woman’s fingers as she fiddled with it. The pendent caught the light strangely and actually seemed to actually glow with a muted green light.

 “Hey,” the woman said softly, “Remember me?”

Peggy sighed; evidently it was going to be, in fact another bad night.

“I’m sorry,” Peggy said repeating the words she had spoken more than she liked, “but I don’t.”

Instead of looking hurt and frustrated as many others had, this woman only smiled.

“That’s okay.” She said in a gentle voice as she leaned forward, “You will.”

Peggy was confused by this woman’s confidence and slightly irritated. If anyone could understand and control her memories it would be Peggy herself! Her mind was exactly that, hers and she would be damned if some woman was going to come in here and try to tell her otherwise. Underneath the irritation however, there was a small part of Peggy that was unnerved by this woman. “I beg your pardon?”

“Just relax.” The woman said as she maneuvered the small glowing pendent in front of Peggy’s face.

Now Peggy was alarmed.

“What are you-?!” Peggy was cut off as her vision was filled with the green light from the pendent. Images and knowledge filled up the blank spots in Peggy’s mind as if they were always meant to be there, things like memories and people from a completely different life as well as a giant golden castle on an entirely different _planet_. An entire world seemed to be trying to cram itself into her head, and it _hurt_. The new knowledge was crushing her brain as if it had it wrapped in a vice grip. Just when Peggy was sure that she was going to start screaming-

The pain stopped and her vision went black.

The world filtered back in slowly. She could make out the blurring image of her room at the nursing home. Things gradually became clearer and she focused on the woman sitting beside her.

“Sigyn!” She gasped as she recognized the form of her best friend.

“Hey Loki,” Sigyn smirked, “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”

“What in Hel’s name are you doing here?” Loki demanded as she sat up, groaning slightly from the physical weakness of her aged body.

“Well you see Loki; the universe has gone to Hel while you’ve been away.” A strange look had entered Sigyn’s eyes that immediately put Loki on edge, “I thought you might want to help me try and fix it since it involves Asgard and your family.”

This did not bode well.    

***

Once Sigyn had teleported Loki away from the nursing home with the contents of her most recent mortal life packed away in a dimensional pocket, the first thing that Loki did was regress her body’s age. The second was to demand new clothes. She was _not_ running around Washington DC in her nightgown.

“Here,” Sigyn said handing Loki a bag that she had retrieved from the back of a black car that Sigyn claimed was hers. Loki had no idea where Sigyn had gotten the car from, but had a feeling that she didn’t really want to know. The answer could possibly range from stealing, to gambling, to seduction knowing Sigyn. “There’s a change of close in the bag.”

Loki did not like the twinkle that appeared in Sigyn’s eyes at that statement when she handed the bag over. Despite her misgivings Loki thanked her anyways and headed off to find the restroom of the gas station that Sigyn had teleported them to, eager to change, while Sigyn went to fill the car with gas.

 It took one look at the contents of the bag for Loki to know that she should have trusted her instincts; Sigyn had, in fact, been up to no good.

“You just think you’re so funny, don’t you.” Loki practically snarled as she stalked up to where Sigyn was leaning up against the car, smirking.

Loki could punch her.

“Funny?” Sigyn asked innocently, “No Loki, I am the height of hilarity.” There wasn’t even a hint of modesty in her voice.

Loki could almost be impressed by her sheer gall. If only that gall hadn’t dressed her in an outfit that stamped Captain America’s symbol across her chest for the entire world to see. Loki moved her hand up to fiddle with the zipper on her jacket at the thought and tugged it upwards as if she could possible close it anymore than it already was. She knew that it covered the symbol entirely, but that did not stop her from worrying at it.

“There are a great many words I would use to describe you Sigyn,” Loki said in a calmly menacing tone paired with the look that she had used to make even the most belligerent of soldiers wither, but seemed to have no effect on Sigyn, “However hilarious is not one of them.”

Loki threw the bag she was holding into Sigyn’s smirking face as she walked around the front of the car and dropped herself into the passenger’s seat. “Now hurry up, you promised that you were going to inform me how the world is ending this time!”

Sigyn capped off the gas and slid into the driver’s seat, tossing the bag over her shoulder into the back seat. “Well you see,” Sigyn said as she started the car. “It began when I realized your clone had been replaced.”

“Replaced?” Loki repeated in alarm as Sigyn pulled out into the evening DC traffic.

“Hush, do you want an explanation or not?” Loki glared at her but kept quiet, this was more important than starting another one of their petty arguments. “That’s what I thought. Now I noticed something was a wrong with your clone a few years ago, but it wasn’t anything too concerning. That changed about two years ago when it appeared that your clone had gone completely mad.”

“Mad? Mad how?”

“Well, it tried to blow up Jotunheim and kill Thor.” Sigyn stated bluntly and Loki could feel herself pale. Sigyn had never really cared for Thor and would not be overly distressed by him being hurt. Sigyn seemed to realize Loki’s distress and hurried on in her explanation. “He’s fine! Absolutely fine, not even a scar to show for it. He even managed to stop the destruction of Jotunheim.”

“What- What was it trying to destroy Jotunheim with and why? And how did Thor stop it?” Loki asked faintly, this was so much more horrifying than anything she had expected.

“It tried to destroy Jotunheim with the Bifrost, Thor broke the bridge. That’s why it took so long to me to realize that something had gone wrong.” Sigyn grimaced as she stared through the windscreen her fingers tapping nervously on the wheel.

_Thor broke the Bifrost?_ Loki thought with disbelief, she hadn’t even known it was possible to damage the bridge much less break it. Though if anyone could do it, it would be Thor, she considered with a sort of weary fondness. “Communications and travel between the rest of the realms and Asgard stopped with the destruction of the Bifrost. When the communications started to work again we were told that the second prince had committed suicide.”

“ _What?!_ ” Loki fairly screeched in shock and Sigyn winced.

“That’s actually similar to how I reacted when I heard. I had started to suspect around that time that your clone had actually been replaced, but I didn’t see any reason to involve you yet seeing as it was gone. A poor choice I know that now.” Loki could tell by the way that Sigyn seemed to brace herself that the news was about to get worse. “About a year after the destruction of the Bifrost your impostor showed up here on Midgard trying to conquer it with an alien army. It was defeated of course.” Sigyn rushed to say as if it could take away the horror from her pervious statement. “It was locked up in Asgard until Asgard was attacked and Thor used it to save the Nine Realms. I heard it had died in the process.”

Loki’s head was positively spinning with all of the information that Sigyn had dumped on her, but even in this state Loki could tell that Sigyn still had something to tell her. “What is it?” Loki asked, “If it was dead why are you coming to get me now?”

Sigyn took a deep breath before continuing on in a low voice, “Recently I snuck back into Asgard to see if I could find any traces of what had happened to your clone.”

Loki sucked in a breath. “You broke into _Asgard_?!” Loki shouted fear and anger boiling up in her blood causing Sigyn to cringe into the wheel, “Sigyn if they had caught you, you would have been killed and I wouldn’t have been able to protect you this time.” Her voice cracked at the thought of losing her friend.

“I know! I know.” Sigyn insisted trying to calm her, “They didn’t notice me, but I noticed that the imposter had replaced Odin. That’s why I came to wake you.” Loki could only stare in shock, her father had been replaced? How? Odin All-Father was one of the most powerful people she knew. No simple creature could have over powered him.

“Is he-Is he still alive?” Loki had to force out around the lump that seemed to have lodged itself in her throat. The child in her didn’t want to believe that her father was dead, that something could have taken him away from her, but she needed to know.

“I don’t know.” Sigyn said softly. She seemed ready to add something else but closed her mouth and shook her head instead. “I don’t know what matter of creature took your place or when, but I’m sure it only took your father’s place recently. All of Asgard would have known if the All-Father had died or the record keepers would at least, and they wouldn’t have kept that quiet for long if the King was actually dead. So he is most likely still alive and somewhere in Asgard.” Sigyn said as she gazed through the windscreen to focus on the street ahead, “I’m sorry I can’t tell you more.”

“It’s alright.” Loki said softly to reassure her friend who had risked so much for her, “I’ll go over the memories of my clone in the pendent to see what happened.” Loki paused for a moment before continuing on in a comforting tone, “It’s not your fault Sigyn, we’ll figure this out. Together.”

Sigyn glanced over at Loki briefly with an odd look on her face before turning her attention back to the road. She did seem less tense though and Loki took that as a positive for her friend’s emotional state.

They road in silence for a while before Sigyn turned to look at Loki during a red light, a mischievous gleam had found its way back into her eye. Loki was glad to see her friend in a more cheered disposition, but she had the sinking suspicion that it was going to be at her expense.

“ _So_ , any reason you kept the form of Peggy Carter?” Sigyn asked lightly, a smirk hovering around her lips. Loki hated being right sometimes.

“Well if what you tell me is true than the face of Loki Odinson is considered public enemy number one. Not something we want caught on camera.” Loki said as she turned to gaze casually at her nails as if there was something intensely interesting about them, to avoid Sigyn’s eyes.

“Uh-huh.” Sigyn hummed clearly unconvinced.

“It would also be less conspicuous to have two women walk around, and I am in no way going to pretend to be romantically interested in you, especially not as a man. Theoric might take offense.” Loki said flatly staring hard at her nails.

“That hurts Loki. I happen to be a very attractive woman, anyone would be lucky to have me. Theoric knows that _and_ he practically worships the ground you walk on. You’re probably the only person he would agree for us to have a threesome with.” Loki shot Sigyn a faintly disgusted look which made Sigyn laugh.

“You’re not ready to give up your identity of Peggy, are you?” Sigyn asked after a moment of silence, smirk finally appearing on her face.

“I’ve had many years to get used to this body, switching to the one I normally use will throw me off.” Loki said with false conviction.

“If you say so.” Sigyn said mildly, clearly not believing her.

“Where are we going anyways?” Loki asked in a poor attempt to change the subject. The look Sigyn shot her told her that Sigyn knew exactly what she was trying to do, but thankfully chose to go along with it.

“Hotel. Preferably one far away from the nursing home. We need to decide what our next step is.”

Loki nodded; a chance to rest before deciding on their next course of action would be welcome. It had been a while since Loki had done anything like this, but she could feel the excitement of getting back out into the field running through her veins.

***

Loki stretched out on the hotel bed feeling rested and turned to look out at the room that was bathed in the morning light. It was a nice enough room. Not a filthy dump but not too extravagant either. It was just an average hotel room with two beds and a bathroom.

They had reached a hotel late last night, almost at midnight, but it was one that Sigyn declared to be far enough from the nursing home but still within her high standards. Having lived through the Second World War Loki’s standards happened to be much lower than Sigyn’s, but she had gone along with her friend’s choice anyway without complaint.

While Sigyn had been checking them in Loki had cast a spell that would make them appear as unimportant to anyone who laid eyes on them. The only thing they would recall was a beautiful blonde woman and her brunette companion.

When they had gotten to the room Loki had been so exhausted that she collapsed onto the bed and fell asleep straight away. A deep, restful sleep apparently if the way she felt was any indication.

Loki was still weak from her recent shift from mortal to Asgardian. She had been in a frail and aged body; the amount of magic that it had taken to restore her memories as well as her Asgardian strength was astronomical. The fact that Loki had made it to the hotel at all could be considered a miracle. It would still take some time for Loki to regain her strength to what it was before.

Unfortunately from what Sigyn had told her they did not have that kind of time.

“Restful sleep?”

Loki sat up as she heard Sigyn’s voice to see her friend sitting in one of the hotel chairs, amusement clear on her face and two trays covered by silver domes on the desk next to her.

“It was very well, thank you.” Loki declared her voice and body language taking on a more proper tone out of habit so early in the morning. “What is that?” She asked nodding at the two trays.

“Breakfast.” Sigyn answered, “I thought you would be hungry.”

Now that Sigyn had pointed it out Loki realized that she was in fact hungry, ravenously so. Sigyn handed her one of the trays which Loki took from her with a quick thanks and dug in to the waffles that had been under the silver dome. When she had finished she set the tray aside before she turned back to Sigyn, a few questions had occurred to her after Sigyn's explanation last night.

“What exactly made my clone- or the imposter, lose its mind, do you know?” Loki saw Sigyn hesitate, which told Loki that Sigyn knew, but thought that Loki wasn’t going to handle the answer well.

“There is no easy way to tell you this Loki,” Sigyn started her tone low and serious, increasing the anxiety levels rising in Loki’s chest, “So I am going to put it bluntly, you were adopted.”

The world seemed to freeze.

She hadn’t been expecting that.

“Adopted… right, that actually makes sense.” Loki said a little breathlessly. She should feel more shocked by that statement than she did, but she realized that she felt more relieved than anything. She had already suspected for a long time now. A pale, black-haired child with green eyes in a tan, blonde-haired family who all possessed blue eyes, thinking about it, it was rather obvious.

Underneath the slight shock and feelings of relief however she felt hurt and a little betrayed, why had they never told her, didn’t she deserve to know these things about herself? Where she came from and how she became a part of the family?

Sigyn eyed her thoughtfully before letting out a huff, “You know . . . you’re actually taking this better than I thought you would.”

Loki shook herself out of her daze, “What exactly, were you expecting Sigyn? Crying? Screaming? Some broken furniture and a massive tantrum? You know better than anyone that I have had the ‘ _you are adopted_ ’ conversation multiple times. Most recently about 80 years ago as Peggy Carter!”

Sigyn nodded with a thoughtful grin and then sighed and frowned. “That’s not all though Loki.” Sigyn said her face taking on a grim expression as she reached out to grasp Loki’s hand. “Your birth father was Laufey of Jotunheim.” Sigyn paused and then looked Loki dead in the eye, “You are of Jotunheim.”

That was something Loki had not seen coming.

_You are of Jotunheim_ , Sigyn’s words bounced around in her head. One of the Jotun, who she had feared since childhood. She wanted to laugh or cry she wasn’t sure which.

“Loki?” Sigyn called to her in concern as she squeezed Loki’s hand, “Are you alright?”

_No_ , Loki thought hysterically, _no I am not alright. I am one of the monsters_.

As soon as the word monster crossed her mind she thought, _no…no I am better than this_. She had lived through the Second World War, the liberation of the concentration camps, the desegregation of the South and the civil rights movement. She knew the horrors that came from hating an entire group of people. She would be better than that.

_Pull yourself together!_ She thought ruthlessly.

Loki used her free hand to wipe away the few tears which had leaked down her face. She smiled at Sigyn’s concerned look; she could always count on her friend to be there for her. “I’m fine Sigyn,” Loki sniffed and then reconsidered in the face of Sigyn’s blatant disbelief. “Or I will be.”

Sigyn eyed her doubtfully, “Are you sure Loki?”

“Norns- I feel like I will be repeating some variation of this for the rest of my life.” Loki sighed wetly, “Yes, I am bothered by this, who wouldn’t be? But I am aware of my own value, anyone else’s opinion just doesn’t matter.”

Sigyn’s face took on an obviously false affronted expression, “Well after everything we’ve been through together, I would hope that you would value my opinions!”

The look that Loki leveled on Sigyn was one that she knew could make the most hard-headed of army men wilt. Sigyn’s expression lost the offended mask as she dissolved into laughter.

“All teasing aside that’s a great ideal to live by Loki, I am very relieved by this, you have no idea. I am glad that you can take the news of your adoption so well.”

“This is just something that I’ll have to ask my mother about when this is all over.” Loki felt a clenching around her heart as her face took on what she knew was a wistful expression, _her mother_.

It had been so long since Loki had last seen her. She would tell Loki all she needed to know if she asked. Even if she had kept this knowledge from Loki in the first place she must have had a good reason. Her father would be a tougher challenge to work through, but Loki knew that they could do this. They were family and Loki loved them dearly. Loki directed another smile at Sigyn to convince her that there was no need to worry.

She felt her smile slip away as she noticed Sigyn’s stricken expression, her face pale. “Sigyn?” Loki asked in a sudden concerned alarm squeezing Sigyn’s hand, “What is it?”

Sigyn swallowed audibly before speaking in a hoarse whisper, “Queen Frigga of Asgard- is dead. I’m sorry Loki, your mother is dead.”

_Mother was dead?_ Loki thought in a daze, that couldn’t be right. Frigga, Queen of Asgard was too strong to die.

“W-what? H-how? What happened?” Loki stuttered. It wasn’t fair; she hadn’t seen her mother in nearly 90 years. She couldn’t be dead. She couldn’t have died thinking Loki was a traitor. _This wasn’t right!_

_I didn’t even get to say goodbye_ , Loki thought as grief, guilt and anger all mixed together inside of her. “ _What happened?!_ ”

Loki realized that she was screaming, everyone on the floor could probably hear her. Loki didn’t care. If Sigyn answered her Loki didn’t hear it through her sobs as her world fell apart around her.

Her mother was dead.

And it was all her fault.

***

Loki was in a fog for hours. She never left the room, hardly left the bed. Sigyn put food in front of her which she would eat, but didn’t taste. She knew that there was work that they had to do, that she needed to pull herself back together and move forward.

She just couldn’t do that yet.

There was a large gaping wound where her heart was supposed to be, like someone had reached in and tore it out with little knowledge of where the heart actually was. Loki could tell that her despondency was scaring Sigyn, who had hardly left the room except to gather essentials that they needed over the course of the day.

During one of these time that Sigyn was out of the room, Loki pulled herself out of bed and over to the mirror on the hotel wall.

The face of Peggy Carter looked back, her brown eyes red and swollen, shadows staining the skin underneath them. She had lost some weight in the recent years from her body starting to shut down, her face taking on a hungry, gaunt look.

Loki stared for a moment longer and then shifted. Now Loki Odinson gazed back at him in the mirror for the first time in over 90 years. 

He didn’t look any better than he had as Peggy Carter.

As Loki watched the tears that had been shining in his eyes overfilled and started to run down his face.

“I-I’m sorry.” He gasped, “I’m so sorry. Mama. Mama, _Please!_ I am so, so _sorry!_ ”

Loki continued to sob out apologies, his face buried in his hands.

His mother was dead, and he hadn’t been there to save her.

Sigyn had told him the story after he had finished screaming, about the dark elves and the attack on Asgard in which his mother had been fallen. This had only lead to another round of sobbing and screaming.

No one had come running about the screaming either, Loki supposed Sigyn was to thank for that.

His mother had died in battle against the dark elves and the only comfort he could find was in the fact that her killer was dead as well.

Loki continued to sob until a crash of thunder made him nearly jump out of his skin. Out of reflex he cursed Thor and his temper for messing up the weather until he remembered that Thor was not here.

He felt his thoughts freeze.

His older, soft-hearted brother, who could sometimes be an arrogant child but would always extend a hand of kindness to Loki and was probably just as grieved by the death of their mother as Loki was.

Loki stared hard at the mirror which reflected the image of himself before switching back to the form of Peggy Carter.

Over 90 years ago Loki had made the decision to take a vacation in the hope of getting away from the stress that came from being a part of Asgard’s court life. He had sought out Sigyn for help in tricking Asgard into thinking he had never left to ensure that he was neither bothered nor depriving Asgard or, more importantly, Thor of his specialized skill set.

Now his mother was dead and it was his fault. If he had never left than she might still be alive.

Loki hadn’t been there to save her mother and it hurt to look too much at her usual face. Loki’s more recent face had already grieved for her adopted parents and had no connection to the Queen of Asgard. More importantly it had no connection to the crimes of Loki Odinson/Laufeyson, leaving her more room to work with.

She would not fail to save the rest of her family if that was what needed to be done.

Loki sniffed as she shuffled into the bathroom to clean the tear tracks off of her face. There was a mountain of things that needed to be accomplished if she even wanted to think about saving the rest of her family. Especially given the fact that her father’s fate was still unknown.

Loki heard the hotel room door open as she finished drying her face.

“Loki?” She heard Sigyn call, concern apparent in her voice. Loki felt a pang in her chest, she had worried Sigyn these past few hours, something she hated doing. It was time for her to pull her own weight now. 

 “Here.” Loki said as she stepped out of the bathroom.

Sigyn was standing in the entryway of the hotel room looking concerned and stressed, but she smiled weakly at Loki as she stepped out of the bathroom. Loki felt another wrench around her heart as she witnessed the obvious signs of constant worry that her friend displayed from fretting about Loki. “Up and about now, are you?” Sigyn asked in a gently teasing tone. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” Loki answered as she straightened up, she would have to do her best to not be more of a burden on Sigyn’s shoulders. Though from the way Sigyn stared at her disbelievingly it would be difficult to prove to her that Loki was in fact alright. “I mean it Sigyn. I am not completely well, I’ll give you that, but I can cope for now.”

Sigyn stared searchingly at Loki for a second more before she blew out a gust of air, her body slumping slightly. “Alright Loki, I’ll take you at your word for now.” Sigyn allowed reluctance apparent in her voice.

“However don’t think that I won’t be keeping my eye you.” Sigyn said firmly and Loki nodded, it would be foolish to expect Sigyn to do anything less. “Now since you’re up and moving and at least semi-well there is one more thing I need to do to fulfill my role as your best friend.”

Sigyn turned an impish smile on her, and Loki felt a wariness building in her bones as she felt her heart sink to the floor. This could not be good. “And what would that be?”

“Why, to get you drunk of course!” Sigyn said cheerfully.

“I do not believe that it is part of one’s role as best friend to get said friend drunk when they are grieving Sigyn,” Loki protested in the face of Sigyn’s mischief. “In fact that sounds like a terrible idea!”

 “Nonsense.” Sigyn disagreed as she pushed Loki back into the bathroom.

“Now go wash,” Sigyn commanded, “You’ve been wallowing for hours and haven’t bathed since yesterday. You smell.”

Sometimes Loki really did hate Sigyn.

***

The bar Sigyn dragged Loki to was not what Loki would call high-class, but at least it wasn’t a filthy dive bar. It was not empty but neither was it overcrowded either. It had a nice ambiance and reminded Loki of the bar from the War during the 1940’s that she had spoken to Steve in. Only with more neon and loud thumping noise which tried to pass itself off as music.

Loki was pulled from her nostalgic thoughts as Sigyn sat down in the chair besides her.

“I tried to get whatever passed as their strongest drink here. Not sure yet how successful I was.” Sigyn grimaced as she poured both of them a glass and raised hers in a toast, “To Queen Frigga.”

“To my mother,” Loki agreed softly as they tapped their glasses together threw the drink back.

“Ugh,” Sigyn spat as she set her drained glass on the table and Loki fallowed a second behind. “I forgot how weak Midgardian alcohol was. I’ll have to drink numerous bottles of this to accomplish even the slightest of buzzes if nothing else.” Sigyn complained as she refilled their glasses and Loki raised hers in another toast.

 “To Midgard, the realm of weak drinks.”

Sigyn laughed as she toasted as well and downed the drink. Loki smiled, her day had been awful and she could still feel the grief from her mother’s death pull at her, but it was nice to be here with Sigyn and making her laugh. Loki wouldn’t forget that while she had lost people there were still others there for her.

As Loki watched Sigyn’s smile took on a more impish tone.

“So, I have heard that there is a Captain America exhibit at one of these ‘museums’ Midgardians have.” Sigyn said her tone casual and Loki felt her breath catch and turned her gaze down to the table, “’The Smithsonian’, I believe is what the news papers called it.”

Loki eyed her suspiciously out of the corner of her eye. She didn’t trust Sigyn’s tone, and anything Sigyn said involving Captain America could not be in anyway good. “Alright, your point being…?”

Loki trailed off waiting for Sigyn to fill in the blanks and hoping she wouldn’t. Loki had not forgotten that while Sigyn was her best friend, that she had the capacity to be unintentionally cruel.

“Oh nothing.” Sigyn said, her focus might have been on her glass but there was a smirk hovering about her mouth and a twinkle of mischief in her eyes. “Only I was wondering if you were in it and if any of those delightful radio shows would be playing?”

“You heard those.” Loki said flatly as a feeling of horror settled over her. Those damned Captain America radio shows which had started after Steve had gone down and the war had been won. She remembered how much she had hated them, mostly for portraying her as a weak damsel in distress, who had always needed to be saved. If Sigyn had truly heard those radio shows then Loki was never going to hear the end of it.

“Oh, _did I_.” Sigyn confirmed, the smirk finally making an appearance. Loki wondered if it was actually possible to die from a combination of embarrassment and horror. Loki stared hopelessly into her glass as if an answer to all of her problems would appear at the bottom, if only she stared hard enough.

 “How did that last episode go…?” Sigyn paused as she seemed to ponder her question and Loki felt her heart clench, “Oh! I remember, ‘ _Oh, Cap, there will never be another man like you. I love you Captain America._ ’”

Loki could feel the glass in her hand start to crack from gripping it too hard. She watched the progress of the cracks as they slowly spider webbed out from her hand. She loosened her grip before the glass actually broke, but didn’t feel any calmer.

Sigyn’s voice which had taken on a high girlish tone changed to a deeper more manly voice, “’ _But Betty Carver, face wet with loving tears, hears only static._ ’”

“Stop it!” Loki slammed her glass down feeling her heartbreak at hearing about that awful moment from years ago even if it was an inaccurate telling. Loki had come here to find a form of temporary peace from her mother’s death; she couldn’t afford to reopen the wound of a lost love as well. “Just _stop it_ Sigyn.”

The tables around them quieted at Loki’s outburst, people turning their heads to look at them. Loki couldn’t bring herself to care though. Not now.

Sigyn’s face took on a startled expression at Loki’s shouting.

“What? What’s wrong Loki?” Sigyn had gone quickly from startled to concern with an edge of guilt. “I thought you said goodbye to him decades ago and moved on?”

“Yes, I said goodbye and tried to move on.” Loki chocked out, tears starting to gather in her eyes, “It wasn’t so much as letting him go as it was accepting that I would always love him.” Loki paused for a moment before pushing on, “But Steve was _never_ coming back and I needed to make peace with that. He was dead. I couldn’t just wait, wallowing around forever.” Loki stopped to breath for a moment.

“Do you understand now?”

Sigyn’s face showed nothing but guilt, “I’m sorry Loki- I had no idea-“

“No, no you didn’t.” Loki forced out roughly slumping down in her chair. Sigyn had always been this way, an absolutely fantastic and loyal friend, but she could be thoughtless and needlessly unkind. It was this fact which had often got her into trouble in the past, from which Loki would have to save her from. She had made more enemy’s than friends in the court this way. “Just try and remember that while I may have mostly moved on that it still hurts, alright?”

“Alright.” Sigyn confirmed softly.

They both sat there brooding, the earlier atmosphere of slight cheer lost as Loki once again reflected on her losses. Sigyn continued to drink multiple glasses of the weak alcohol, a grimace on her face as she appeared lost in her own thoughts. Loki stirred as she caught sight of something on one of the televisions behind the bar which was showing the evening news. She straightened up in alarm as she started to fallow the story.

“Sigyn.” Loki said lightly to catch Sigyn’s attention, once she had it she continued on, “By chance did you forget to hide from the security cameras at the nursing home as well as the people?” Sigyn’s face slowly transitioned from curiosity at Loki’s call, to horror as she turned to look at the TV behind her.

“There is a chance that I did.” Sigyn admitted stunned as she stared at the news report that had caught Loki’s notice. Pictures of Sigyn in the nursing home and of the two of them at the gas station were displayed on the screen.

“Oh good.” Loki said with false cheer in her voice that did nothing to hide the tenseness in her tone, “So now the entirety of the city, if not the country, is on a manhunt for the women who not only kidnapped Peggy Carter but also possibly de-aged and body snatched her.” Not that it said anything about de-aging and body snatching in the report. Only that they were both linked in the disappearance and potential kidnapping of the elderly Peggy Carter. Thank the Norns that they hadn’t gotten a clear shot of the car or its license plate.

“Hey! You’re the one who wanted to keep that face.” The look that Loki shot her could have melted stone. Sigyn looked impressed.

Loki just could not catch a break could she?

First her clone had either gone rouge or been replaced and had taken her father’s place, found out that her mother was dead and had been forced to think about a lost love, again. On top of all that, now she would have to dodge every possible federal agency in the country.

At least she had remembered to cast a spell which rendered them unimportant in the eyes of everyone who saw them.

“What should we do now?” Sigyn asked her guiltily.

“It’s not as bad as it looks.” Loki assured Sigyn (and herself). Sigyn threw her a look of disbelief, “It’s not. We will just have to work quickly now and try to get out of the city as soon as possible.”

“What exactly are we doing?” Sigyn asked slowly.

“I need all the files SHEILD has on the invasion of New York.” Loki knocked back another swig of her drink, “We just need to break into the Triskelion.”

***

The rain that Loki had mistaken for being Thor earlier that day had not let up by the time Loki and Sigyn had made it to the SHEILD headquarters. Despite how heavy the rain was it did not block out the sight of the building and Loki was surprised by what she saw.

The Triskelion was not what Loki remembered it to have been. From where she stood she could see the marks from where those flying aircraft carriers ( _Helicarries_ , she thinks there called) crashed into the building and much of the carriers were still collapsed in the area around it. This is not what she had been expecting. She knew that she had been out of it for the last few years, but to miss something like _this_.

Loki had been prepared to have to break into a fully functional SHEILD. Filled to the brim with deadly and competent agents armed to the teeth, only to find out that instead she would be breaking into this burnt out husk.

It was actually a bit of a letdown.

“Wow.” Sigyn whistled as she stared at what was once SHEILDs headquarters. She stood at the trunk of their new car, they had abandoned the old one shortly after leaving the bar. This one was a muted gray color appearing worn with age. The cameras at the gas station may have not caught their license plate number but it did still capture a picture of the car itself. They didn’t want to take any chances. “What in the name of the All-Father happened here?”

“I have absolutely no idea.” Loki answered as she adjusted all of her gear. Prior to coming here Loki had gone out to gather all of the supplies that she thought they would require for this endeavor.

This had also included a tube of lipstick, similar to the one she had used in her days as an agent for the SSR. She had extensively detailed fantasies of using it on Sigyn when she was at her most annoying. The look on her face alone before she passed out would be worth kissing her for it.

“I suppose we’re about to find out. Come on.”

Both Loki and Sigyn turned their flashlights on as they walked down the bridge that connected to the headquarters. Loki was grateful that Sigyn was just as experienced in magic as she was, at least she could hide herself and the light of her flashlight from any who could see them and not have rely on Loki to do it for her. It wasn’t a difficult spell, but it was complex and required a huge amount of focus, more focus than Loki could spare in her weakened state. It would take more than a good nights rest to restore her strength.

The building may have appeared to be a burnt-out husk that had long been abandoned, but Loki had been a part of SHEILD too long to underestimate them. She would not have been surprised if they had eyes on this building or were even still working out of it.

“Explain to me again why we’re here, breaking into an abandoned building while the entire city and possibly the country is after us?” Sigyn asked as soon as they reached the lobby of the building. There was glass everywhere and one of the Helicarriers was lodged in the building over their heads. Rain fell through the holes in the glass ceiling and ran down the walls to puddle on the floor.

“I need the files that SHEILD has on the invasion that you mentioned. There is simply no plausible explanation in which there is an alien invasion that happens in America and SHEILD misses it. They most likely also have information on what species of aliens were a part of the invasion.” Loki explained as she shined her flashlight around the lobby until it hit a door in the far corner, “Stairs are over there.”

“How exactly do you plan on getting these files?”Sigyn questioned her skeptically as they headed for the staircase, their feet crunching through glass and splashing in puddles. Sigyn’s skepticism was understandable, Loki reflected, as she had little experience with computers spending most of her time on a different realm and it had been a few years since Loki had used one. These facts however did little to dim Loki’s confidence, she was sure that she could figure it out.

“Please, I helped found SHEILD and I knew Howard Stark. They can’t hide their secrets from me for long.”

Loki smirked in the face of Sigyn’s doubt as they climbed up the stairwell. It didn’t take too long to reach the correct floor given their Asgardian strength (despite Loki’s weakness). From there it was simple to find the room that had once been the director’s office.

“Here we go.” Loki said as she walked over to the desk in front of the windows, at least the director’s office hadn’t been too badly damaged by what had occurred here. There was minimal damage to the wall so only a small amount of rain got in.

 Loki took the bag she had been carrying off and pulled out the small portable generator as well as the tools she would need to turn the computer on. “Come here and use your flashlight to help me see what I am doing would you Sigyn?”

Sigyn sighed in exasperation but walked over to Loki anyways. It didn’t take long before the computer on the wall was lighting up from Loki’s efforts. “We’re going to have to do this next bit quickly, hand me my bag would you?”

“Why do we have to do it quickly? What are you doing?” Sigyn asked as she handed over Loki’s bag. Loki reached in and pulled out a USB drive and plugged it into the correct port.

“I need to get into SHEILD’s systems to download their files, to do that I need to use my passwords. Now if SHEILD is watching this place, which I suspect they are- they are going to eventually notice when Peggy Carter’s passwords show up as having entered the system.” Loki explained as she opened the system and immediately had the computer start downloading all of the files on the server.

Sigyn walked closer to the computer screen to watch the progress of the download and read some of the files that were displayed. “Huh . . . it says here that SHEILDs files were recently all uploaded onto the internet.”

“Really? Fascinating.” Loki mumbled absentmindedly as she fiddled with the computer.

“So we really didn’t need to come here at all, we could have retrieved all of our information from the internet.” Sigyn said frustration clear in her voice as she kicked over one of the chairs at the table. “We’ve just endangered ourselves for nothing!”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Loki corrected as she pulled another computer out of her bag, “I doubt SHEILD would allow all of their information to be uploaded onto the internet.” She said as she started to connect wires to the new computer, “A large amount might have gone onto the internet, but I’m sure that they have other files that were kept elsewhere separate from the main server.”

“But all of the information we need on the invasion _is_ online.” Sigyn sighed as she checked the screen to confirm that fact, “And what in the All-Father’s name are you doing?”

“Not all the information I want is just about the invasion, I need all currant knowledge about the Avenger’s as well. Some of this information I’m going to have to get straight from the source.” Loki said as she turned the computer on and started to work. “I remember vaguely, before I started to really forget, reading about Howard’s son becoming a superhero. If he is anything like his farther, which I have long suspected he is, then becoming part of a superhero team is just his thing. Most likely to make sure that he is the center of attention and to show off.”   

“So you plan to steal information from the son of your friend.” Sigyn asked as she went back to staring at the screen as it continued to download all of SHEILD’s Intel.

 “Basically, yes.” Loki answered as she focused on her work. Anthony Stark was good, but Loki had lived through the invention of most of this technology and grew up in an advanced civilization. No matter how good Anthony Stark was he was no match for the combined experiences of Peggy Carter and Loki Odinson.

Out of the corner of her eye Loki noticed as Sigyn stiffened slightly and felt vague concern. “Everything alright?”

“Its fine,” Sigyn answered as she turned from the screen and made her way over to the desk. “It’s just that I read a report from Thor’s time here in exile.”

Sigyn came over to sit on the edge of the desk, a sort of distressed contemplation apparent in her face.

“It said that he had been killed by the destroyer before his hammer returned to him.” At this Sigyn paused, “I may not like him, but I cannot say that is a fate I would wish on anybody.” Loki accepted that answer, too distracted to really focus but a faint part of her was buzzing with a cold terror.

Her brother . . . killed? Loki couldn’t comprehend it. Thor couldn’t have died as well. She pushed it to the side, unable to process the idea.

“Got it!” Loki exclaimed triumphantly as she finally broke into Starks systems. “He had an AI, but from the looks of it, it was a new one, not very familiar with the systems yet.”

Sigyn leaned over to look at the small computer screen, “It says here that the AI is called FRIDAY and that the old one was called JARVIS.”

“JARVIS? I wonder if he named it after Edwin Jarvis?” Loki wondered wistfully as she thought of her old friend and the adventures they had together long ago.

“Friend of yours?”

“Yes actually. The first time I met Mr. Jarvis I punched him in the face,” Loki said nostalgia present in her voice. “It was also the first time I had seen Howard since the war, Jarvis was his butler.”

“Did you punch Stark as well?” Sigyn asked sarcastically.

“No, I shot out his tire.” At Sigyn’s incredulous look Loki defensively added, “I punched him later.”

Sigyn sighed and shook her head in amusement as she reached over to start the download. “Alright I’ve got this you go check to make sure our way back is clear, I’ll meet you at the car.”

Loki looked at Sigyn startled. They hadn’t made any plans to split up and none that involved Sigyn taking charge of the computers. Loki wasn’t even sure Sigyn knew how to properly operate one.

“I do actually know how to use one of these.” Sigyn huffed in annoyance as she caught sight of Loki’s dubious look, “Just go start the car, we probably want to leave quickly once this is done.”

Loki decided not to argue with Sigyn further as she made her way out of the room and towards the stairwell. There had been a subtle feeling of panic that had been running through her anyways since the moment Sigyn had announced that Thor had died. She didn’t want to be around Sigyn when it eventually hit. Seeing Sigyn’s concern would only make it worse.

Loki paused as she made it to the lobby of the building and stared at the Eagle statue. It was cracked in places and the end of one of the wings was broken off entirely. It looked much like she felt, partially shattered but still holding together.

She wondered if Thor’s body had been like this when he had died.

Loki doubled over as the panic finally hit her. Her brother had died. Thor had died and she hadn’t been there, worse he had died thinking that Loki was the one to kill him and wanted him dead. The last thing Loki wanted was for her brother to die. Loki loved Thor with a fierce intensity that she believed would never fade.

Loki couldn’t breathe. Her heart was pounding in her chest. It felt as if there was a vice around her lungs squeezing all of the oxygen out of them. Her vision was swimming and she felt light headed.

She needed to calm down.

_He’s fine!_ Loki recalled Sigyn telling her before. Loki couldn’t lose Thor, not after finding out about her mother’s death and with the possibility that her father could be dead as well. Loki regained control of her breathing and straightened up before making her way out of the lobby and out to the car.

Loki had already lost so much; she vowed to herself that she would not lose what remained of her family.

***

It hadn’t taken long for Sigyn to rejoin Loki at the car and from there they found themselves a new hotel, neither wanting to go back to the old one on the slim chance that they had been tracked.

“I took the liberty of dividing the files up between us,” Sigyn said as soon as they were settled in their room. She passed a USB stick to Loki, “I figured since you used to be a part of SHEILD you could go through their files, and I would take the Avengers files.”

Loki took the USB stick from Sigyn and plugged it in to one of their computers as she sat down at the desk, “That sounds reasonable.”

Sigyn smiled at Loki before retreating to one of the beds and curling up with the other computer. Loki turned back to her laptop and both read in silence.

 Eventually hours later, Loki leaned back in her chair and blew out a breath on air. There were far too many files for her to scrutinize every single one with a fine toothcomb, and so her search had been done using keys words or searching through the reports that had been written in the last few years. This had lead to the discovery of one very dark and painful truth.

HYDRA had infiltrated SHEILD.

She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about that, besides experiencing a sensation of horror and disgust and a general sense of failure. From what she could find, this had started during her days as part of SHEILD. The vile organization had infiltrated and grown within SHEILD both when she was just one of its agents and when she was the director.

Right under her very nose.

Everything she had worked for had been for nothing. HYDRA survived, despite all of her best efforts.

There wasn’t much information on how HYDRA had fallen besides a few scant reports that did not provide enough information. Just that a small group of individuals had stood up and fought against HYDRA, destroying their helicarriers in the process. This had lead to the prevention of a massacre that would have involved millions of people and assertion of HYDRA’s new world order.

The information on the invasion had been much clearer than this.

Her imposter had come to Midgard with the idea of conquering the planet with an alien army and then planned to rule it as its King.

Or so the reports said.

Loki had her own suspicions about what her imposter was doing here, but she had little to no evidence to back up her theory. She would have to go to the source of the invasion to gather more information.

Thankfully there had been a team of superheroes who were able to defeat the army and stop the invasion. The Avengers was apparently the name they went by, something that made part of Loki cringe. Vengeance was something that happened as a reaction, the name implied that they could only react to threats not prevent them. Putting the name aside Loki couldn’t read much about them as Sigyn had all of the files on the Avengers. She did however discover something as interesting as it was concerning.

Loki closed out of the reports on the invasion that she had been reading and pulled up a file on one of SHEILDs top agents. Loki felt tension build in her shoulders as she reread the lengthy file on Natasha Romanoff.

_Black Widow_ , it reported as one of her aliases. It also included a clinical report containing information and descriptions of the Red Room where Romanoff had been raised and trained. Included were descriptions of the skill set Romanoff possessed as a result of her time spent in the Red Room. Loki shut her eyes as she remembered Dotti Underwood, a small girl who was capable of killing grown men and rows of beds that had shackles attached them in Russia.

“Well then.” Loki breathed to herself as she opened her eyes. She hadn’t ever let fear stop her before and she wasn’t about to start now. She promised herself that she was not going to underestimate Romanoff, not like the imposter had. She would need to warn Sigyn to be wary of this spider.

“Did you say something?” Sigyn asked from where she was curled up on the bed.

“Just speaking to myself,” Loki answered as she swung her chair around so that she was facing the other woman. “Have you read the file on Natasha Romanoff, otherwise known as Black Widow yet?”

Sigyn sat up setting her computer off to the side, “Yes in fact, that was one of the more disturbing files.”

“I’ve met others with the same training as her.” Loki said propping her feet up on the edge of one of the beds, “One was a child and killed several men.”

“Any reason you felt the need to bring this up?” Sigyn asked, one of her eyebrows arching as she looked at Loki.

“I thought it was best to make sure you were aware of what type of threat she was if we run across her in the future.”

“I thought all of the Avengers were a cause for concern?” Sigyn questioned leaning forwards, “But that Stark was the only one we really have to worry about, due to the fact that he is in New York while the others are over in California and Thor was back in Asgard.”

“True,” Loki replied rubbing her fingers together in thought. “However Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton were the only two Avengers that I was able to read about, you have the files on the others.”

“I think that those are the only two you need to worry about.” Sigyn said with an odd look in her eyes, “But they are most likely in California with the others.”

“What is it?” Loki asked with suspicion, Sigyn was keeping something from her.

Sigyn grimaced and leaned back against her headboard, “I was just thinking about how Barton being in California was a blessing. He would most likely shoot you on sight for the whole mind control stunt that you impostor used on him.”

Loki winced, that had not been a pleasant read. Mind control like what was used on Barton was not something that Loki supported as it conflicted with her personal morals. However that was not what Sigyn was trying to hide from her, but she let the matter go. Loki trusted Sigyn, when she was ready Sigyn would tell Loki what she had been hiding. Loki could wait.

Loki turned back to the desk and started to pack away her computer, “It looks like we’re heading to New York, Sigyn.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that.”

***

Asgard had not changed in all of the time Loki had been gone. The throne room shone as brightly as ever, sun glinting off of the gold embedded in the walls and floor. The room was empty at the moment but Loki wasn’t concerned. They would be back soon. He couldn’t wait to speak to Mother again, it had been too long. Not that mother would know that.

In the distant corner of his mind Loki felt alarmed and uneasy as if he had forgotten something important.

Loki stepped back and paused as his foot splashed in a puddle of liquid. There shouldn’t be any water on the floor of the throne room, the room was supposed to be kept clean at all times. The servants must have been slacking on the job. Loki took a deep breath as his feeling of unease grew and pivoted on the spot to face the throne-

-And choked.

It wasn’t water on the floor.

The room was absolutely covered in blood and there were corpses piled around the throne itself. His friends from his days as Peggy were there, sprawled carelessly across the floor. Angie, Agent Sousa, Agent Thompson, Chief Dooley, Jarvis, and Howard were just a few there who stared at her accusingly with vacant eyes. Their bodies had been ripped to shreds and drenched in their own blood.

Even her friends and family from Asgard were not spared. His Mother and Father, the warrior three, Sif and _Thor_ as well as countless other corpses glared back at him, faces twisted in horror and painted in blood.

But worst of all at the very foot of the throne laid the frost-bitten body of Captain Steve Rogers, still partially covered in ice, staring at him with blank, empty eyes.

Forcing his eyes up away from Steve’s dead eyes Loki looked up at the occupant of the throne. His own face stared back at him, madness burning in its eyes and it-

-smiled.

Loki woke with a scream trapped in her throat and she bolted upright. She sat there panting for a while, covered in sweat as she tried to calm down.

It was just a dream.

It hurt though. Some of the dead from her nightmare were dead in reality and remembering that was like squeezing lemon juice on an open wound.

Loki looked at the bed next to her. Sigyn was still there, fast asleep and Loki was relieved that she hadn’t woken her at least. She needed to remember that while she had lost many she still had more to potentially lose.

Loki needed to protect them.


End file.
